From dreams to chihuahuas (thanks, Paula!), Idol was a little all over the place this week. The theme of the night was Inspirational Songs and right off the bat, I gave it a C- for cheesiness. Paula was dressed like she was on her way to the prom, and Seacrest still seemed flustered from his surprise run-in with Perez Hilton this morning on KiiS. The Idol’s, however, were ready to inspire us…here are their projects, freshly submitted and brutally graded:

Michael Johns: C-
First things first: Fred from Scooby Doo called; he wants his ascot back. That ascot immediately knocked Michael down to a B (I’m a fashion snob like that). But more egregious than the ascot was his wannabe performance of Aerosmith’s “Dream On”. It reeked “imposter”, sorta the way Johns reeks “I’m too old for this competition”. The guy doesn’t have a bad voice, but he’d do better as, say, an Engelbert Humperdinck impersonator (I’m sorry, but the resemblance is just freaky!). I’m betting the Aussie will see himself in the Bottom 3 on Thursday. The best part of his performance wasn't his performance at all, but Paula offering us up another golden Paula-ism in the form of her chihuahuas. I love you, Paula!

Syesha Mercado: A
Apparently, Syesha is fearless. Last week she took on Whitney, and this week she decided to tackle another big fish with Fantasia’s “I Believe”. (Automatic half-point grade increase for having ginormous cajones). Syesha’s vocal was champagne-glass smooth – thus the A grade – but something was missing. What Syesha had in vocal ability she lacked in emotion, so I couldn’t quite give her an A+ (what, you think I pass ‘em out like candy?? Think again, kiddies!). When Fantasia sang the song she SANG it, man…straight up took us to church and back again. Syesha didn’t quite do that. But she did hit this amazing Mariah-esque high note at the end that was practically crystal-splitting (I'm sure Paula's dogs were all up in a tizzy). Stunning.

Dreadlock Castro: A+ (plus, like, another + for extra credit)
Where do I begin?? Castro was A-mazing tonight. He picked the PERFECT song, a version of “Over the Rainbow” by Bruddah Iz (Hawaiian musician Israel Iz Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole), which has long been one of my favorites. Castro strumming the ukulele, his folky voice and trademark goofy faces when he sings (think John Mayer meets, I dunno, a contortionist)…it all came together perfectly. I cant think of a better way to pay homage to Bruddah Iz and his beautiful arrangement of a beloved classic. Castro owned the night tonight…which I’m sure he’d be thrilled about, if he weren’t so baked! I can safely predict that he’ll sail through to next week, ukulele and all. Now put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

Kristy Lee Cook: A-
Yes, you read that correctly. Country Kristy earned herself an A-. Believe me, I’m as shocked to be writing it as you are to be reading it. Lets be clear on a few things, though…despite the impressive grade, I have quite a few gripes with the performance. Taking on Martina McBride was risky, to say the least, and especially so for someone like Kristy, who has less personality than a comatose raccoon. On lithium. She couldn’t connect with the audience to save her life (or her horse’s), her shirt was straight outta the Icecapades, her hair was a stringy mess, she oversang a heavy handful of notes…need I go on? She owes a serious thanks to the gospel choir at the end of her song, who came in and rescued her from what could have been a flailed ending. But for Kristy, this was her best. She’s struggled in the competition for weeks, so she deserves her day in the sun…I just wonder if it’ll be enough to save her yet again.

David Cook: C
Oh how the mighty have fallen. This was NOT a good night for Mr. Ego. His nasally rendition of “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace was not good…not at all. It was in the wrong key, he lacked any real stage presence, he seemed…tired. And its no wonder, the guy looks like he’s lost 15 lbs since the last time we saw him. I’ve been noticing a slight weight loss, but this week it seemed to go from slight to disturbing. Makes ya wonder if there is more to his emergency rush to the hospital last week than he’s letting on. Anyway, this time Cook failed to spark, and no amount of philanthropic scribblings on his hand (a Sharpie-scribbled “GIVE BACK” on his left palm) could make up for his lackluster performance. Better luck next week, David...and stop at In-N-Out in the meantime…you could use a Double Double…stat.

Carly Smithson: C-
Again, another lackluster performance by a pompous contestant. Why do people think they can take on Freddie Mercury??? Why?? It cant be done, folks! Anyway, I liked Carly at first, but the more I dig into her past the more I’m completely over her I ( wont spoil the fun now, but check back here in a few days for my expose on Carly and what the AI producers aren’t telling you). Her performance of “The Show Must Go On” was a hot mess. She completely over-sang much of it, she never seemed to get a grip on the song, and frankly, she scares me when she sings. This was supposed to be Inspirational Songs…not performances that make you hide under the covers and cry out for your mom. When she sings, Carly makes faces like she’s waging a battle with Satan in her head and taking it out on the audience…scary. She blamed her loss of control on peeking at Simon mid-song and seeing a disapproving look on his face. If that’s true, then it’s a good thing she didn’t peek at MY face mid-song…then she would’ve forgotten the words, lost her place in the song and ran offstage crying...

Opie Archuleta: A
In a more mature turn, our lil Opie sang a song I’m not familiar with (“Angels”…anyone know by whom??) and surprised me by coming off a little older than his wee 17 years. He sat poised behind a piano and, though any even-slightly trained pianist would recognize that he only played the same basic chord progression over and over, he seemed comfortable there…very natural. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t familiar with the song…Opie could sing me the recipe for menudo and I’d melt all the same. Simon praised him for the best song choice of the night, and I thought our boy would faint right there on stage! I just wanna pinch his cheeks or something (yes, his FACE cheeks, people!)…he’s so adorable. Its looking like he’s gonna be a front-runner this year…awwww!!!

Brooke White: B (D- for weight loss)
Carole King’s “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” was a great song choice for Brooke, that much is for sure. I liked the hippie dress, the middle-parted hair…very groovy. She sang well…it was no “Let It Be” from a few weeks back, but it was a good performance. Safe. My gripe is this: I don’t know if Brooke and David Cook are sharing diet tips, but she’s looking scarily thin these days. She’s always been thin, but this week they did a close up on her face and I literally gasped (and trust me, not a lot shocks me anymore). Sallow eyes, sunken cheeks, tell-tale lines around her mouth…she’s not looking good. Did anyone else notice this??? Brooke, David: the Kate Moss look is OUT. You cant sing a full song, let alone complete a full national tour, if you’re not taking care of yourselves. Why do I always have to be the Den Mother of the group?!?!?

Based on grades, my mood at the moment, the space-time continuum and the current menu at Taco Bell, I’m guessing that Carly, Johns, and either Country Kristy or Mr. Ego will find themselves in the Bottom Three this week. Remember that the results show will air this Thursday night…tomorrow is reserved for the Idol Gives Back hoopla (which my more risky readers will have spoiled by now, I trust!).