Where The Boys Are

Boys who can sing. For me, this has always been one of those things that is guaranteed to light my fire. It ranks right up there with men in uniform. Mmmmm. So given this particular turn-on of mine, I was plenty excited about seeing the Top 12 men perform for the first time. Unfortunately, my fire was only lit a handful of times.

First up was David Hernandez, or as I like to call him, Plastic Man. He’s completely dead behind the eyes. Not sexy. As the night’s theme was the 60’s, he picked “In the Midnight Hour”…great song. His vocal wasn’t bad, but his blank stare just creeps me out. Judges liked him, tho.

Second on stage was Chikezie Ezie, who has apparently dropped his last name a la Madonna and is now just Chikezie. Given his orange leisure-suit getup, tho, a more appropriate name would have been Cheesy. It was very Carlton Banks. In fact, I half-expected him to bust out The Carlton Dance while he was singing. That woulda been awesome. He sang “I Love You More Today Than Yesterday”, but the arrangement was so weird I hardly recognized it. He loses points with me for having a bad arrangement for a song that I love. I’m very picky that way.

Another song I love love love is “Happy Together”, by The Turtles. David Cook performed it, but it was just OK. He sang half the song with his eyes closed and a goofy smile on his face, which makes me think he was nervous. Or maybe he was just trying to avoid looking at Paula’s weird Pound Puppy hair-do. Someone get her a stylist, stat! OK, back to David. The judges all liked him. I think he should bring back the Mohawk that he sported during his first audition. I'm all about "the look"...I'm very superficial that way.

I almost fell asleep during Jason Yeager’s God-awful performance of “Moon River”. He’s a sorta-cute country boy with a kid, but he’s just….blah. Plain. Or, as Simon said, very “cruise ship”. Which if you think about it, isn’t a horrible thing. I would imagine cruise ships pay their performers well, and you get to sail around Alaska or wherever and eat buffets all day. Sounds like a decent gig to me!

The night’s fifth performer was Robbie Carrico, the former boy band-er, and FINALLY I was excited. I like Robbie. He decided on “One” by Three Dog Night (which confused me a little, cus that wasn’t from the 60’s, but apparently Harry Nilsson did the song first. Ya learn something new every day! Thank God for Google.) Anyway, it was a good performance. The judges all liked him. I’m sorta curious to see if he is gonna wear a beanie or bandana every time we see him. So far he has. Maybe he’s hiding Osama Lutfi under there!!

Next was cute-as-pie David Archuleta, who is all of 17 years old. Everytime he gets on stage I immediately feel the urge to pinch his cheeks….then he opens his mouth to sing and I’m reminded what a good voice he has. He sang The Miracle’s “Shop Around”. He had one slight Peter Brady voice crack midway thru, but he recovered nicely. The judges all overlooked his errors, in an obvious attempt to pimp him to voters. Its clear that the producers have their money on this kid. Ryan took the pimping one step further when he literally offered David up on a silver platter after the performance…seriously, he tried to whore him out to the female audience members. A better approach would be for American Idol to have one of those Sunday adoption days like they have at Petsmart…some 80 year old grandma would snatch him up in a heartbeat!

The second hour of the evening started with David Noriega, and America’s collective gaydar went into overdrive. Or maybe that was just mine. He sang Elvis’ “Jailhouse Rock”, and I instantly thought Sanjaya, The Sequel: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Sing. I wanted to be horrified at the performance, in all its glorious cheesiness, but despite myself I kinda liked it. He’s like American Idol’s answer to Project Runway’s Christian…so fierce. Simon called the performance grotesque. Somewhere, the guys who run votefortheworst.com were high-fiving each other like crazy…they just found their front-runner for this season’s worst. I’m kinda curious to see what David is gonna do next week. And so the Sanjaya train begins!

In his longest screentime so far this season, we were introduced to Luke Menard. Very cute, very forgettable. He sang “Everybody’s Talkin” by Harry Nilsson, and it was just bad. Boring. Zzzzzzzz. The judges spanked him hard, and he deserved it. Bye bye, Luke.

Ellen De Generes look-a-like Colton Berry was up next. (Seriously, its freaky…he really does look like Ellen…). The judges have labeled him “theatrical” (the same tag given to Clay Aiken). Like David before him, he also chose an Elvis tune, but it wasn’t bad. His voice is pretty good, but he gives a heavy dose of cheese when he sings. Simon said that he doesn’t see him as a potential recording artist. Maybe he can join Clay on Broadway. What a cute little AI duo that would be! Awwww!

Garrett Haley was up next, and he’s another one who hasn’t been given a whole lot of screentime this season. Maybe that’s cus he looks like a Leif Garrett/Farrah Fawcett love child, and anyone with that hair should stay in the 70s and off our TV screens. He sang “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” by Neil Sedaka. Verrrry forgettable. After he is voted off, Garrett seriously needs to get himself into some sunlight…and cut his hair. Lets let the 70s stay in the 70s.

And my favorite performer of the night??? Jason Castro, in all his dreadlocked glory. Swoon!! He sang Lovin’ Spoonful’s “What a Day for a Daydream” while playing his guitar. My heart instantly melted. He reminded me of that guy that you see performing at your local coffee shop, the guy who’s CD you would totally buy if he had one. Simon said it was one of the top 2 performances of the night. It was a GREAT performance. Fierce. Fabulous. Pick a word. I loved it. Jason for President!!!

And the final performer of the night: Michael Johns (the guy who’s band, The Rising, was dropped by Madonna’s Maverick label). He sang The Doors’ “Light My Fire”…and forgive the obvious pun, but he totally lit my fire. I know, I know. Anyway, I’m stoked at how many edgier guys we have this year. The judges all raved over him. We might as well give him one of those Disneyland FastPasses to the finals.

So that was that. If I were a betting gal, I’d say Luke and Garrett are going home. In fact, I AM a betting gal. Anyone wanna take me up on it?!! Tonight we’ll see what the ladies have to offer. And I’ll go to bed still dreaming about Jason Castro…yum!

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[ READER COMMENTS ]

1

Mike said:

"It was very Carlton Banks." Classic- and Oh, so true!! I think you're more entertaining than AI itself!! Keep it up!

Posted at 11:56 AM, on February 26 2008

2

zia said:

You go with your bad self, girl!!! Keep writing, you are very impressive. I certainly hope, you are being paid a decent penny, or, are they just pennies? I will keep reading, and keeping track of your witty comments. There is always someone willing to give you what you are worth. Take care, my reviewing friend.

Posted at 10:59 PM, on March 6 2008

Where The Boys Are

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