Mariah Carey and American Idol snuck out past curfew together tonight, and their union resulted in an illegitimate love child in the form of a ballad-soaked evening, complete with tears, meaty references, and hamburger analogies (you can thank Simon for the latter, David Cook for the former, with Brooke White sandwiched in the middle…feelin’ dirty yet???).

Mariah Carey was FINALLY invited to the American Idol partybus tonight after waiting six whole seasons…the longest she has ever had to wait for anything, I’m sure. She and I go waaaaay back….back to a time when her hair was curly, her body clothed, and her albums refreshingly devoid of Diddy-produced tracks. We’ve had some rough patches, she and I, but I forgave her for the hot mess of a mistake that was Glitter and we’ve moved on. To promote celebrate her new album, she made a guest appearance tutoring the remaining 7 Idol hopefuls (and even pretended to be a fan of Kristy Lee Cook! See, her acting chops cant be THAT bad!). But no amount of personal training a la Mariah could save certain contestants from possible rejection due to lackluster performance; to that end, I give you my LEAST favorite acts of the night. I figure we’ll start at the bottom and work our way up. So painfully, sadly, and with much regret I begin with…………..Opie Archuleta.

GASP! I know, right? You know I’m a big Opie fan, so this one hurts me a little. More than a little. OK, a lot. Like the time I cracked my head open on a cold tile floor, resulting in permanent nerve damage and a 2-inch square on my noggin with absolutely no feeling whatsoever (true story!). Anyway, Opie just didn’t do it for me tonight. He tried to sing “When You Believe”, which Mariah originally recorded as a duet with Whitney “Crack is Whack” Houston for the Prince of Egypt soundtrack. So as if tackling a Mariah song wasn’t a daunting enough task, our boy Opie had to pick a Mariah AND Whitney song. It just didn’t work for me. I’ve always loved how he seems to know exactly where to add his trademark runs (there is no better way to ruin a song than adding unnecessary vocal acrobatics) but tonight he was up and down the scale for the duration of the song, and it got under my skin. I think he has enough of The Archies voting for him to keep him outta the Bottom 3, but he better shape up next week. I want my Opie back!

Carly Smithson, another vocal acrobat, is also on my hit list tonight. She sang “Without You”, which was a good choice in theory…but somehow she managed to mangle it for me. Its funny, I’ve been saying for weeks how she needs to show a little restraint when she sings….tonight, the first half of her performance was all restraint—and I didn’t like it. But then she belted out the second half and I STILL didn’t like it. There was no middle ground. Either she was in a low register and quietly off key or completely belting out her notes and in effect oversinging. Simon hit the proverbial nail on the head when he said she is overthinking her performances. Then again, she IS Irish…she could be coming out on stage totally sloshed everynight, so I guess overthinking isn’t the worst thing she could be doing!

Brooke stripped “Hero” down to its skivvies in a typically "Brooke" performance; that is, piano, vibrato, and not much else. I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of her performance, until she got to the bridge and lost her footing, never really re-gaining her step. “It was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun,” mused Simon, “in other words the vital ingredient, the bit in the middle, was missing”. No meat! I hate when that happens; there should always be meat! (Get your mind outta the gutter!!) To be fair, half of Brooke’s performance was really good, so maybe she belongs higher up on my list….but I didn’t dig the way she lost confidence towards the end of the song. You can mess up all you want, and beat yourself up after the show or when watching playback…but while you’re performing, at least commit until the very last note…don’t give up on yourself prematurely. If you give up on yourself that only asks me to give up on you as well…and you need the votes.

Kristy Lee sang “Forever” and, to be fair, it wasn’t horrible. She looked like Karaoke Barbie and she’s still the least talented of the remaining contestants, but she’s gotten better over the weeks. Kristy seemed thrilled at the fact that she gave Mariah goosebumps during their one-on-one…I doubt she stopped to consider that Mariah probably had goosebumps not out of admiration but out of fear and pain. And could you blame her, really??

David Cook was the only one of the evening to take a chance on an upbeat song, Mariah’s 90’s hit “Always Be My Baby” (that song is SOOOOO me sneaking out of the house to meet my then-boyfriend on the corner to kiss and hold hands like only a puppy-love couple can)…tho technically he turned it into a slower, more angst-driven ditty than Mariah had originally recorded…but that’s what he does. She should've known by now. The low register for the first verse of the song was a little touchy for me, but I thoroughly enjoyed the arrangement. Mr. Ego seemed particularly inspired performance-wise this week, no doubt from having his brother Adam in the audience (scroll down and read the article on what Adam when thru to get to LA to see lil bro, if you haven’t already…it helps explain David’s apre-song waterworks).

Dreadlocks turned out a Spanish-inspired “I Don’t Wanna Cry” in his trademark folky, whispery-breath style, and I loved it. Loved it! Randy wasn’t feelin’ it, but both Paula and Simon jumped on the Castro train tonight. Good for them. It’s a good train. You should get on it if you’re not already. I believe he’ll sail thru to next week…I mean, the irony of him being booted off to “I Don’t Wanna Cry” is just too much. Aint gonna happen!

And now, guys and dolls, I’ve saved the best for last: a breathtakingly beautiful Syesha giving an absolutely jaw-dropping performance of “Vanishing”. She effortlessly combined restraint with powerhouse vocals and the end result was stunning. I’ll be shocked (and pissed!) if she ends up in the Bottom Three again this week…you hear that, America?? Do right by this girl! Week after week she comes out and tackles songs most of us don’t even dare attempt in the privacy of our own showers, let alone in front of 30 million people…give her some friggin’ credit!